Silent Scars
Navigating Through Abuse and Healing
Between the ages of 5-8 years old, I was sexually molested by my cousin. He was five years older than me.
When you’re young, you have no idea what abuse is. You don’t know what it means when someone violates you and your body. When I woke up to find my clothes didn’t touch my skin and he was on top of me, I knew something was wrong. I was scared.
I remember running into the house to tell my family, but as a child, all I could say was that he pulled my underwear down. Nothing was said or done. My cousin was never reprimanded.
Everything became a blur. And like every victim, you learn to repress the trauma.
When you’re born into a Mormon household, talking or doing anything related to sex is a taboo or sin. I could never explore my sexuality. But that right was already taken from me.
How can any Mormon speak out about sexual abuse when they will be shamed and punished for being part of a non-consensual sexual act?
Marriage is a whole other story. Once you’ve tied the knot, the doors are thrown wide open, and sex becomes free game.
When I got married to my partner, it was a struggle. From something that was taboo, I had to make sex work. It was a struggle.
We were together for 35 years, but it was a toxic relationship. There was never any pleasure.
Every time we had sex, I would experience excruciating pain. For many years, I continued to have pain in my hips and knees. It got worse to the point that I had to get hip replacement therapy. There was a reason why that pain was centered in my sacral area (more on that later).
My ex was a narcissist who used my light, my goodness, my soul to feed himself. I didn’t realize that he had been gaslighting me, making me the scapegoat for our marital problems, and distancing my kids from me, claiming I wasn’t mentally well.
I couldn’t take it anymore. We finally divorced.
Reclaiming My Power
How I Began My Sexual Healing Journey
As I got older, the sexual trauma started to set in. A friend of mine, who had also experienced sexual trauma, helped me during my mid-30s.
During my healing, I came to a point where I felt I could forgive my cousin. I wanted to confront him. So, when I was in Arizona, I went to his workplace. I told him that I forgave him for what he did to me when I was a child.
All he said was, “Well, that’s just what we did back in the day.”
I never got an apology or an acknowledgement for what he did. My abuse got reduced to an equivalent of “boys will be boys”. If only I could forget my abuse as easily as he dismissed it.
During the dark nights of my soul, I went through a lot of panic attacks, suicidal ideations, depression and anxiety. Work kept me grounded until I was laid off. Then, I just let my couch suck the life out of me.
Throughout my marriage, I was so used to giving everything to my family and the church that I had nothing left in me. But my future was not going to be this couch. I had to discover who Kaelen truly is. And that was through my sexuality.
I got back on my feet, found a new job and got into some coaching programs. I became a power coach and spoke at women’s events. As I helped others, I was building myself again from the inside out.
The universe had something different planned for me when my mom introduced me to energy healing. I took my first energy healing class called Angelic Reiki, and it shifted my life forever. What I discovered about myself was shocking.
I learned that the reason why I was experiencing that horrific pain in my sacral area was because it was an accumulation of all the generational abuse my ancestors had gone through. My repressed trauma was the final straw.
Because I didn’t work through that trauma and heal, it manifested and damaged my body.
After the immense healing I experienced from Angelic Reiki, I knew that I was meant to be a healer. As I became an Angelic Reiki Master, my relationship developed deeply with The Divine.
I always knew that there’s a higher power and that if I asked, I’d be given.
Once, I had the opportunity to speak at some amazing energy healing conferences. I didn’t know what to speak about, so I asked the Spirit. I received my answer: to focus on sexuality and help those who experience sexual abuse, specifically through religious conditioning and patriarchy.
Divinity of the Goddess
Pleasure Is Your Divine Birthright
Regardless of what others will have you believe, there is a way to heal from sexual trauma.
Pleasure is our divine birthright, but we can’t be open about our desires when it’s taken by force or used to discredit your character.
I wanted women to claim their birthright, but I didn’t know how to do it. How do I help women live and be in pleasure after sexual abuse without feeling ashamed? That’s when I started training for The School of Womanly Arts as a pleasure coach.
Turning on your pleasure and being in your radiance is what ignites life within females. My purpose is to be able to meet with those women that were just like myself, who suffered from religious conditioning and patriarchy and burdened with shame, guilt and fear from sexual trauma and sexuality.
Loving or self-pleasuring your body is not a sin. It’s actually the Divinity of the Goddess that lives in every woman and it’s found within her pussy.
I hope that through my coaching and Angelic Reiki Healing, I can continue to evolve, grow, love and serve those who come into my existence, and I come into theirs.
Don't punish your body
Many people believe that sexual abuse/assault is like a life sentence of being broken.
There’s no way that you could experience pleasure after being hurt that brutally. They may even question why you’d want to experience it.
But our bodies need pleasure to stay healthy. Most of all, to feel safe and connected within. There’s nothing demonic about that.
I shared my story to inspire other women that the guilt, fear and shame you feel is just another form of abuse. To stop you from accepting and loving yourself. Don’t let them end your story.
If you are ready to take back YOUR body, embrace your sexuality and celebrate the pleasure you control, then book a call and let’s start your sexual healing.
Lift Your Head High, Beautiful
Wounds can never be forgotten. But the pain can lessen when you trust yourself and your body. Lift your head proudly like a sunflower and accept the pleasure Goddess has given you.
Let’s make your body a home again.
